


All Hands On Deck (Dick?)

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Has a Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Is Trying (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Not Innocent (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Not Oblivious (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Tease (Good Omens), Aziraphale's bowtie, Aziraphale/Crowley First Kiss (Good Omens), Comedy, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Crowley is a gay demonic disaster, Crowley.exe has stopped working, Gay Sex, Hunt for red october, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I mean it, I'm going to hell again, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Inspired by Inside Out (2015), M/M, Not ashamed but I probably should be, Oblivious Crowley (Good Omens), Oral Sex, Quote: Ngk (Good Omens), SERIOUS SPIT-TAKE WARNING, Sex, Submarines, bad movie tropes, canon appropriate disregard for rank, cold war cliches, comedy porn, crackfic, down periscope - Freeform, miracle lube, ngk, scandalous revealing of arms, up periscope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23760352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: “Well I didn’t want to have to resort to extreme measures, Sir, but…” he paused, jaw tense. “Sir… may I suggest that we step it up a level?”Lieutenant Phale went pale. “You don’t mean…?”Fell was firm. “Yes.”Lieutenant Phale gulped nervously. “Deploy the sleeves?”“Indeed.”“Sir, are you sure?”Even Captain Azira looked hesitant. “The sleeves? Dear God man, what are you thinking?”------------Remember all those cold war movies where the crew of a nuclear submarine are at the helm, arguing over launching the nukes? Remember the animated movie “Inside Out”? Well mash those together with Good Omens and you’ve got whatever the hell this is. Welcome inside Aziraphale (& Crowley’s) minds as the angel attempts to seduce a demon. More crack comedy porn in the finest tradition of this AO3 account. With thanks to my lovely partner in crime / beta reader CousinSerena for the prompt.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 257
Kudos: 525
Collections: Crack Fic Comedy Porn, Ixnael’s Recommendations, Top Crowley Library





	All Hands On Deck (Dick?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CousinSerena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinSerena/gifts).



> I apologise now for breaking anyone in advance, if you’re asthmatic I recommend having an inhaler on hand, because I *wrote* the damn thing and gave myself the giggles so much I could hardly breathe now and then. Management will not be held responsible for discorporations, proceed with all due caution and mind the tags.
> 
> *** Also I have NO IDEA how military rankings work, so fell back on good old fashioned literary fudge.
> 
> ** ExMarks has done a DRUNK READING of this on [YouTube](https://youtu.be/ZJSShKj7nis)!**
> 
> **  
>  NEW! VoiceTeam have done multi-person [PODFIC](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24408220?fbclid=IwAR1ALt-QZsZWNj4-8WTqkdFPHN56jomBCy-DQwAjSNJIIbyxUqOl8SjGens) go have a listen right to the end!  
>  **

All was not well in the control room of Aziraphale’s head. Captain Azira paced uneasily, hand on chin, mulling it over as Lieutenant Phale watched him anxiously. The mission was not going as planned. Down in the basement a chaotic cacophony of noise had set up as dissent in the libido department reached boiling point. The troops were restless. The demon was not taking the hint. Second Officer Fell sipped coffee with a serious face and watched the pair of them.

* * *

Crowley sat easily on the sofa, scrolling through his phone as Aziraphale perched on his office chair observing the demon with a small dose of irritation and a hefty dose of unrequited lust. He’d invited Crowley over for a walk in the park, they’d gone to lunch and retired back to the bookshop for sherry and a chat. He’d laid out some tasty little pastries and even managed to persuade Crowley to eat one. 

He’d chatted about his latest acquisition which was a fairly racy 18th century book which had been banned for many years for being indecent, in the hopes that the topics contained therein might spark some jumping-off point for conversation of a more intimate nature that he could use to throw a choice few meaningful looks in Crowely’s direction. 

Sadly, Crowley’s reactions had been rather more measured and noncommittal than he’d hoped in response to conversation about steamy topics, and he’d instead lost himself in his phone screen, leaving Aziraphale sipping his sherry at a loss.

While comfortable companionable silences were often their stock in trade, this time Aziraphale wanted rather more out of the meeting, but was at a loss at how to obtain it. Within the angel’s head, those in charge were hashing out a plan of action. 

* * *

“We tried plying the demon with alcohol, damnit, but that can only go so far, we only want him relaxed, not completely inebriated. We tried the suggestive book and that was a total misfire. We tried the lingering looks and he just didn’t notice. We even removed the _jacket_ and not a flicker.”

Lieutenant Phale was almost tearing his hair out. “What on earth can we _do_ , Captain?” The news from the Libido department was grim, they’d have a mutiny on their hands soon if they weren’t careful - an unsolicited semi had been threatened and the embarrassment of that might shut down the entire operation. They’d given strict instructions for no erections until the mission was successful. 

Captain Aizra glanced at Second officer Fell meaningfully. He raised a questioning eyebrow. Officer Fell had experience in this department and he valued his opinion. Fell shook his head and sighed.

“Well I didn’t want to have to resort to extreme measures, Sir, but…” he paused, jaw tense. “Sir… may I suggest that we step it up a level?”

Lieutenant Phale went pale. “You don’t mean…?”

Fell was firm. “Yes.”

Lieutenant Phale gulped nervously. “Deploy the sleeves?”

“Indeed.”

“Sir, are you _sure_?”

Even Captain Azira looked hesitant. “The sleeves? Dear God man, what are you thinking?”

Officer Fell tipped his head. “It’s the only way I know, Sir.”

The Captain nodded, and gave the go-ahead to Lieutenant Phale. “You heard the man, Deploy Sleeves.”

Lieutenant Phale pulled a lever. “Sleeves deployed, roger that. By God I hope you know what you’re doing, Sir.”

“So do I, Lieutenant, so do I.”

* * *

Aziraphale sat back in his chair and undid his cufflinks deliberately. He placed each one down on the wooden desk with a quiet clink which cut through the dusty silence of the bookshop like a clarion bell, making Crowley’s ears twitch in response. His eyes flicked up to follow the movement, one eyebrow snaking above his shades in mild surprise at the sight. 

Aziraphale’s face was calm but firm as he concentrated on rolling and folding his sleeve up neatly, exposing a swathe of finely muscled forearm dusted with pale blonde hair. Crowley gulped quietly. 

One forearm bared, Aziraphale began on the next, studiously avoiding eye contact with Crowley as he did so, folding it up in the same fastidious neat fashion as the first until both forearms were scandalously on display for Crowley’s viewing pleasure. He sat back again with a sigh and sipped more sherry, before lifting his eyes to meet Crowley’s with a smile. 

A small bead of sweat trickled down the demon’s face. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

“Everything ok, Angel?” he finally gulped out. 

“Pardon? Oh yes, fine, fine, just a little warm in here, don’t you think? Feel free to remove your own jacket if you wish, dear boy.”

Crowley suddenly was feeling rather too hot. He set his drink aside and leaned forward to remove his own jacket, setting it aside then sat back again and tried to sneak unobtrusive glimpses of the angel’s forearms from behind his dark glasses, marvelling at the finely corded musculature of them. 

* * *

Inside the Control room, Captain Azira took in the scene, his face grim. He slammed the control panel in fury. “I thought we _had_ him, damnit! We’ve thrown the whole lot at him and barely a flicker.”

Second Officer Fell cleared his throat gently. The others moved their attention to him. He stood up and stalked deliberately over to the screen showing the live feed from the eyes. He pointed to Crowley’s face and hit the “zoom” button twice with short, sharp taps. “If I may draw your attention here, gentlemen…” He pointed to the screen. “We can clearly see a bead of sweat. Now this demon is a serpent, serpents thrive in warm environments, from which we must deduce that his bodily response is not to the ambient temperature of the environment, but rather to the scandalous state of undress we have perpetrated thus far. I believe we have him on the verge of cracking. With this in mind, may I suggest we move to rather more … extreme.... Measures?” 

Captain Azira looked at him aghast. “You _can’t_ mean…?”

Second Officer Fell nodded. “Yes, sir. The bowtie. Removal thereof, and I do not intend to leave it there either, time to bring out the big guns, Sir. We are also deploying protocol “Top Two”, Sir.”

“ _Top Two_ ? No. Never. It’s never been done before, you fool, we have no idea of how powerful it might be! Can you imagine the damage? What if it goes wrong? It's indecent, man, _indecent_ I tell you!”

Lieutenant Phale hesitantly interjected. “He might be right though, Sir. I propose we give it a shot, go big or go home.”

“We _are_ home, you fool. This is unprecedented. It’s…” He was cut off by the jangling of the phone on his desk. He picked it up with irritation. “Yes?” he barked brusquely. He listened intently, and his face began to fall. He nodded with a quiet “very well,” and replaced the receiver, his face grim. “That was the underwear department. Things are getting rather insistent down there, we’ll have a full-scale mutiny on our hands if we don’t resolve this now.” He took a deep breath. “Lieutenant, fetch your key.”

Lieutenant Phale removed a key on a chain from inside his shirt and held it up. He stood and joined the Captain in front of a safe. Both of them turned their keys at the same time and unlocked the safe. The Captain withdrew two envelopes and handed one to Second Officer Fell, the other to Lieutenant Phale. He then withdrew a folder and opened it at a highlighted page. He stepped to the centre of the room. 

Each officer opened their envelope and read the code number therein, and entered it into a keypad at their workstation. Each then opened to reveal another, red-tipped key. They strode to opposite sides of the control room, expressions serious. They nodded and slid the keys home into a control panel on either side of the room then turned to face the Captain. He read his instructions carefully. 

“On the count of one, Lieutenant Phale will engage the bowtie removal sequence. On the count of two, Second Officer Fell shall engage the Top Two sequence, and then I shall hit the button on my console. May god have mercy on our souls.” He nodded at them grimly. 

* * *

Aziraphale took a fortifying sip of his sherry then coughed gently and reached to undo his bowtie slowly but surely, then slid the silk tartan from his collar with a faint whisper of fabric. Crowley’s eyes went wide behind his shades. Azirpahale folded the bowtie neatly next to the golden cufflinks already on the desk, and Crowley thought that was bad enough, but the angel didn’t stop. 

His delicate hands returned to his neck, and the demon froze in shock as first the top button was undone, and then… 

...Then the second. 

A sudden veritable expanse of angelic throat and scandalous glimpse of chest was revealed with a curl of blonde hair just peeking past the pale blue shirt edge. Aziraphale sat back again with a sigh and a meaningful look at the demon, who croaked hoarsely. He swallowed and tried again to formulate a sentence. He failed. He managed but one word:

“...A….A… _Angel_?” 

“Yes, Crowley?”

“Are… are you feeling quite alright?”

“Never better, dear boy. I may even remove my waistcoat. Feel free to join me.”

* * *

“WHO AUTHORISED THAT?” Captain Azira was incandescent with rage. “I did not authorise that movement, who did it? This is insubordination at the highest level!”

Lieutenant Phale looked terrified, scanning his screens in a panic. “I… I don’t know Sir, it may be a fault in the system, deploying automatically…” He thumped his console desperately. “I’ll talk to the engine room, it must be a glitch, I’m sorry, Sir I don’t know.”

“Well find out, damn you. We have no idea what the outcome of that might be!”

* * *

Inside Crowley’s head, on the other hand, things were lagging behind rather. In the control room, a group of disinterested junior officers sat around a table playing cards and smoking, radar screens ignored. The Captain was in his rooms swigging vodka and lamenting the lack of action on this tour of duty. 

Young private Anthony glanced back at the visual input screens and did a double take. He leapt to his feet, cards forgotten, and lurched to his console, wide-eyed in shock. “Hey, comrades, there’s something going on, you best get the Captain!”

Petty Officer Antonio glanced up then gaped in surprise. “Fuck it all!” He slammed his hand down on a big red button. Sirens began wailing, red lights flashed. “It’s a fucking seduction for fuck’s sake. ALL HANDS ON DECK!” He grabbed for his mic, knocking his coffee cup over in the process, stabbed at the intercom and yelled into the microphone. 

“All hands on deck, this is not a drill, I repeat, this is _not_ a drill! We have a seduction attempt going on in sector 3, otherwise known as The Bookshop. Arms on display, I repeat, arms on display, bowtie has been removed and CHEST is visible, man battle stations!”

* * *

Captain Crow stumbled into the control room, vodka bottle still clutched in one hand. He glared about him somewhat drunkenly then his eyes alighted on the visual input screens. He lurched across and peered intently at the view. Arms and throat were indeed on display, and the rival vessel had even deployed a glimpse of _chest_ . How _dare_ they? This was unprecedented! He gulped more vodka directly from the bottle then cast it aside. 

“Damn them all to hell! What the devil do they think they’re playing at?” He glared at Lieutenant Tony. “YOU! Dip shades.” He jabbed a finger at Private Anthony. “Private! Get on the blower to libido department, double check there’s no embarrassing erection starting yet, if there is, get it nudged and cross legs for the moment until we know for sure what we’re dealing with.” 

He then turned to Petty Officer Antonio. “Antonio: last instructions from audio feed?”

“Uh, um…” he scanned the readout frantically. _“Never better, dear boy. I may even remove my waistcoat. Feel free to join me.”_

“Right. Sit corporation upright, you’ll need to talk to Spine Team, they’re not used to this manoeuvre, but tell them to de-slouch then get as close to vertical as they can. Remove waistcoat and await further instructions. I want all audio relayed directly to my console, got it?”

“Aye aye, Cap’n” the crew chorused, as he collapsed into his captain’s chair, head in his hands. Why on his damn watch, _why?_ He’d picked the wrong week to give up smoking. He grabbed a discarded packet from the card table and sparked one up, taking a deep breath then releasing a hacking cough. _Damn them all._

His head jerked up as he heard a random assemblance of constonants issue from the corporation’s mouth.

****“Ngk”** **

“What the devil was that?”

“Sorry, sir, malfunction in the language processing department, it’s an ongoing glitch, tech support have been chasing it for ages sir, but they can’t track down the fault, it just does that sometimes, we think it’s shorting out somewhere.”

* * *

Captain Azira watched with interest as the demon lurched slightly more upright in his seat and wriggled his waistcoat off, looking confused and ever so slightly scared. They had him on the ropes now, he could work with this. They needed to get closer. “Private Zira! Get in here!” The young Private ran in from the adjacent office. 

“Yes sir?”

“Get onto leg division, manoeuvres are going to be required, adjust heading and velocity accordingly, bearing West North-West, goal to politely retrieve demon’s waistcoat as if to hang it up for him, we’re going for the classic “pause close to his face while bent over” then await further instructions, clear?”

“Aye, Captain.” Private Zira ripped off a salute and donned his headset to talk to leg division. 

* * *

Aziraphale stood and stepped over the carpet closer to the sofa, he bent to pick up Crowley’s black waistcoat from the arm of the sofa. “Let me hang that up for you…” He dipped closer, almost accidentally, into Crowley’s personal space, then noticed that the demon had dipped his shades and was regarding him intently from over the top of them, his breathing short and erratic. Aziraphale paused, barely daring draw breath himself. 

* * *

Captain Crow stared at the visual feed, horrified. This was it. It had to be deliberate, _had_ to be, but what if he was wrong? He’d doom his entire crew. Should he risk it? He had to make a split second decision here, he was too hungover for this shit. Fuck it, you got one chance at this kind of thing. It was all or nothing, he’d go down in flames or in glory, he was only a year from retirement anyway, he had nothing to lose, his crew could go on without him, he’d take the blame…

“Lieutenant Tony: Lift arm, stroke angel’s cheek, remove shades with other hand, gaze into eyes, I want to get a proper read on this. Antonio, I want you to pay extremely close attention to every word that leaves that angel’s lips, I want no margin for error here, zero wiggle room for misunderstanding, I need to know the precise meaning of everything he says. You got me?”

“Aye, Cap’n!”

* * *

Aziraphale felt Crowely’s hand come up to stroke his face gently, the demon held his gaze even as he removed his shades with his other hand and set them aside. Time ground to a halt. 

* * *

“Officer Fell? What’s going on? Lungs! Lungs have stopped, we’re not breathing, heart is in overtime, it can’t sustain this pace without sufficient oxygen input, what’s going on???”

Fell scanned his console with furious focus, noting every readout with precise cold calculation. “Perfectly normal for this type of situation Sir, it’s just a temporary glitch, it’s a known flaw on the old model 3 lungs, it’s a fairly old corporation, they should kick in again in a moment, and it’s been said before that the resulting gasp can have a helpful effect on manoeuvres of this type as a bonus effect, Sir. I’d just leave it for now.”

“You’re sure, Fell?”

“Yessir. Breathlessness can be seen as a positive sign in this type of situation, it may be in our favour, let the other vessel make the next move. Visual input indicates that removal of shades to allow clearer eye contact has been established which is a positive sign. We may be making headway, Sir.”

“Right, carry on, crew.”

* * *

Crowley held Aziraphale’s gaze steadily, and kept his hand agonisingly still on the angel’s cheek, noting his immobility and held breath. He allowed his thumb to just stroke a gentle line and the angel let out a sudden breath, eyelashes fluttering as the tension broke. His lips parted gently and he sank closer by a mere fraction of an inch, eyes locked on Crowley’s lips.

* * *

Captain Crow bellowed at the control room “THIS IS IT, LADS! SWAY FORWARD, ENGAGE LIPS, IT’S HAPPENING! BRACE FOR IMPACT!”

* * *

Captain Azira barked a curt order to his second in command. “Prepare to slide hand up behind other party’s neck, move into closer proximity, and tell those artists down in the lip and tongue department they’ve got free rein to work whatever magic they do down there, I trust them to carry the fine tuning out properly, that’s their specialism.”

“But Sir! They’ve only ever worked on food before!”

“I’m sure they can work it out, give the order.”

“Yessir. Order relayed, Sir.”

* * *

Crowley’s lips met Aziraphale’s in a deliciously soft slide. The waistcoat fell unheeded from the angel’s hand to the floor, and he reached forth to run his fingers through Crowley’s hair as his other hand came to rest on the nape of his neck. His body seemed to know what to do, so he just went with the flow, slowly lowering himself to his knees in front of the demon with a satisfied little moan. 

Crowley brought his other hand up to cup Azirpahale’s face as well, and drew him closer, his legs opening wider to bracket the angel’s body between them, then he slid his hands down around his waist to pull him closer. Aziraphale mirrored his movements, crushing himself closer to the demon, heart hammering. 

* * *

“SIR!” Private Zira lifted his headset off. “Lower body reports significant blood flow to erogenous zones, do we have authorisation to allow full erection to become apparent?”

“Permission granted, Private, I think we’re in it for the long haul now.”

Private Zira nodded. “UP PERISCOPE!”

* * *

Crowley became aware of a definite fullness pressing against his belly from Aziraphale’s hip region and groaned gently into the kiss. Had the angel been planning this all afternoon? He slid a hand between them and gently brushed over the swelling in Aziraphale’s trousers.

* * *

“Captain Azira! Sensory input panel just blew, not just a fuse, the entire thing just exploded! SIR! What do we do?”

“We’ll have to go it the old fashioned way, Lieutenant, fly by the seat of our pants, we’ve done it before, we can do it again, go without instruments. Get on the blower to trouser department and tell them to wing it, I’m sure we can manage. Sensory overload is always going to be a risk in these situations. We’ll just have to do the best we can until we lose all communications. At least some of the systems run on fail-safe autopilot, the corporation takes care of some of the more basic automatic movements and connection to the control room isn’t always imperative. We can deal with this, chaps. Carry on.”

* * *

Aziraphale gasped and he was sure he felt his brain short out at the electricity of the contact between them. Crowley pulled back slightly and met his gaze. “Is this ok, Angel?” Aziraphale nodded hurriedly. Crowley thumbed at the button on his trousers, Aziraphale looked down and watched as the demon proceeded to slowly undo his zip and allowed his tan trousers to fall to his knees, then stroked his stiffening cock through his underwear. 

Aziraphale reached out tentatively to Crowley’s tight black jeans and tried to repeat the action, becoming flustered with the tightness of the fabric, until Crowley grinned and snapped them away altogether, allowing his very erect and rather lengthy cock to spring free. Aziraphale’s eyes widened in surprise. He reached out to touch it, marvelling at the velvety softness of the skin, and encircled it lightly in his hand, drawing a gasp from Crowley’s lips. 

After a moment, Crowley reached out to rub Aziraphale’s cock through his underwear for a moment, before gently pulling it down as well, and taking him in hand in turn. 

“Oh Crowley, that feels… that feels amazing my love.”

“Mmmm? What else can I do for you, Angel?”

“I, I don’t know, I… “ Aziraphale laughed a little. “I never thought I’d get this far.”

Crowley laughed as well at that. “So you _did_ plan this?” Aziraphale looked sheepish. 

“Maybe a little.”

“Well seduction accomplished, Angel. Would you like me to take the lead now then?”

“If you don’t mind, that would be terribly kind of you, dear.”

Crowley chuckled and rolled his eyes affectionately at the angel. “Well somewhere more comfortable then perhaps.” He snapped his fingers and landed them on a large, comfortable bed in the bedroom of the flat over the bookshop. It was rather less full of books than Aziraphale had left it earlier, but he supposed that if Crowely didn’t expect it to be covered in books, then it wouldn’t be. 

Crowley gazed down at his angel, straddling his hips still, then reached down to undo the rest of his shirt buttons, then shuffled downward to remove his shoes and socks, then pull his trousers and underwear off. Crowley then folded everything neatly and set it aside, very aware of how precious the angel was over his clothes. The rest of his own, however, he simply snapped away, before climbing back on the bed again and kissing Aziraphale slow and deep. 

* * *

In Aziraphale’s control room, the Captain considered the smoking remnants of the control panels, he had almost expected this to happen, although not quite so early on in proceedings. He was now manning the helm old style, relaying instructions directly to the relevant body part crews, but mainly relying on his experienced officers to man each of their departments on their own, like the well oiled machine they had trained to be. Mostly it was out of his hands now, especially as the captain of the other vessel was taking charge, so there wasn’t much left for him to do but sit back and enjoy the show. He dispatched the Private to fetch him a stiff drink. 

* * *

Crowley’s control room, however, was a hive of activity. 

“Right, crew, we’ve done this before, we know the damn routine, it just crept up on us, that’s all. Get mouth and tongue department going as per usual, get fingers on standby, will need to miracle up some lube for the next step, tell cock crew to hold steady and standby for now, their turn will come, there’s a set of procedures in place for exactly this situation, we all know our positions, now get going, all of you!”

* * *

Crowley kissed his way down the angel’s soft but still muscular body, slithering his way down until he brought his lips into close proximity with his gorgeous shaft, which he began to lick greedily, pulling strained gasps from Aziraphale’s lips, then encircling it entirely and sucking down to the base, as the angel’s hips twitched and jerked in response. 

He brought a lubed finger up to the angel’s rear and gently pushed forward, lifting his eyes to read his expression carefully. Aziraphale nodded hungrily at him and sunk his own fingers into Crowley’s shock of short red hair, fingernails grazing his scalp, then tugging gently as his head bobbed up and down in his lap. Crowley worked his finger in gently, taking his time before adding a second, and later still a third, keeping the angel on edge with skilled use of tongue and lips, slowing and going lighter when he felt it was becoming too much, then sucking down harder and faster when the angel went quieter, still keeping his long fingers moving, just brushing over his prostate now and then, making him twitch and moan indecently. 

* * *

“Hull breach, Captain Azira! We have a hull breach!”

“That’s to be expected, perfectly normal, prepare for docking procedure.”

* * *

Crowley slid up his angel’s body again, kissing up this throat before meeting his lips again with a grin. 

“Well hello there, you wily serpent.” Aziraphale muttered breathlessly.

“Hi,” Crowley drawled with a grin, rutting his stiff cock against the angel’s soft thighs. “Shall I?”

“Oh _please_ do…”

“Whatever you want, Angel…”

* * *

“Vessel in position, proceed to docking and pistoning procedure, Captain Crow?”

“Affirmative, tell those boys down in the buttock department that it’s all on them now, I hope they’ve got those pumps primed and ready, because it’s about to get hot in here.”

* * *

Crowley slid in slowly with a gentle moan, cradling Aziraphale’s soft curls in one hand as he breathed into his neck, pushing his hips forward with exaggerated care into the angel’s tight, hot depths, thrilling at the gratified groans Aziraphale whimpered out alongside the desperate clawing at Crowley’s back. “Oh _yes_ , love, more, please darling, give me more…” 

* * *

In Aziraphale’s control room every instrument panel was a shower of sparks and flame, acrid smoke curled through the air and the crew coughed and flailed wildly. Nothing was making sense any more, all sensory input readouts were scrambled with each other and the vessel had been reduced to bone-deep shudders and ominous groans around them.

* * *

Crowley was thrusting in harder now, picking up the pace, still peppering kisses over his angel’s cheek, neck and shoulder, nipping gently at his skin as he shuddered into him, his lean body shaking with the effort of restraint, then he felt Aziraphale’s ankles lock behind his slim hips, urging him to a greater effort. He grinned and pounded in harder.

* * *

Captain Azira was yelling down the phone to the language department. “What the _hell_ was that supposed to be? That wasn’t a _word_ , that assemblance of vowels and diphthongs barely even counted as a damn _utterance_ , God damn you! Get it together, ENUNCIATE, how on earth is the demon supposed to understand what’s wanted without clear direction? You can’t just garble nonsense at him!”

The First Officer tapped him gently on the shoulder. “It’s ok, Sir, leg and hand teams have it under control with non-verbal communication backup, it appears to be working so far, although we have left several marks on the demon’s back, we _are_ pretty sure he’ll be proud of them later.”

“You’re sure? Fine, just make sure not to damage him too badly, that vessel isn’t as robust as this one and we don’t want to put it out of action altogether, might be needed for future manoeuvres. Just tell them to simmer down a little, will you?”

“I’ll try sir, but coordination is getting a little sloppy under the circumstances, I’m sure you understand.”

The Captain nodded curtly and sat back down. He’d been through worse, but only just. He’d deserve a damn medal for keeping it all together through this onslaught, that’s for sure.

* * *

Aziraphale’s coherence had collapsed altogether, he was overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through his body, just clawing desperately at his lover, limbs wrapped around him with surprising strength, his own cock twitching between them at the friction of their bodies squashed together as Crowley slid into him. The demon’s prodigious length brushing over his prostate again and again until he couldn’t think straight and found himself coming hard, spurting his release hot and sticky between them, feeling gorgeously filthy at doing so. 

Crowley growled at the delicious sensation and rocked in harder, balls tightening in a mind-melting inevitability, his muscles taut and quivering, breath coming in short gasps, eyes open wide, drinking in the sight of his delirious angel below him as his own climax peaked.

* * *

Captain Crow stood and bellowed at the armaments officer “FIRE TORPEDO, *NOW*!”

* * *

Crowley gasped out as he came in shuddering spurts deep inside his lover, cock twitching, then collapsed down onto Aizrpahale’s soft welcoming body, hot and spent, trying to regain his breath, still wrapped in the loving embrace of the angel’s arms. 

* * *

Petty Officer Antonio stood and saluted, a trifle shakily. “Damage report, Cap’n: All muscle systems down, lungs operating at peak capacity but somewhat burnt out, heart going overtime but it looks like that’s subsiding now, endorphin levels in overload, oxytocin supplies overflowing, higher functions temporarily offline.”

Captain Crow pinched the bridge of his nose and stubbed out his cigarette. “Thank you, Antonio, stand down, we’ll get a brief respite, just let everyone know it’s possible there may be a request for a repeat performance depending on circumstance, so remain vigilant. The rest of you, get some rest and take a quick break before the next onslaught. Double vodka ration all round. Good work, crew.”

* * *

Aziraphale kissed the top of Crowley’s head affectionately. “Darling, that was devilishly divine, if such a thing might be uttered.” Crowley snuggled into his angel’s shoulder, nuzzling in and making happy contented little noises. 

“Wv’yw”

“Pardon?”

Crowley blushed and buried his nose further into Aziraphale’s soft shoulder. 

“Wv’yw n’gl”

“Are you saying ‘I love you, Angel’?”

Crowley blushed harder and nodded into his skin. Azirapahle gently lifted his head up and looked him in the eyes. “You do know I love you too, Crowely? Don’t you?”

Crowley bit his lip and glanced away. Aziraphale pulled him into a passionate kiss then lifted off and regarded him seriously. “I love you, Crowley, I have for so, so long, my darling.”

* * *

Captain Crow wielded the fire extinguisher frantically around the control room, it was a disaster, an utter, utter disaster. The Lieutenant was rapidly unreeling the main fire hose and hosing down the CPU banks which were completely fried. Someone was yelling up from the heart room about dangerous levels of love build-up threatening to overload the system. The Private skidded along a hallway and down a ladder into the speech department, yelling as he went. “SAY SOMETHING, FOR HELL’S SAKE SAY _SOMETHING_ , DAMN YOU ALL!” 

“But what?” The speech crew were in tears, dragging manuals off shelves and trying to look up how to manipulate the speech centres the old fashioned way. 

“ _ANYTHING_ , JUST GET A GOD-DAMNED RESPONSE OUT _NOW_!” 

* * *

Crowley gazed at his angel, lovesick and lost for words for a moment. 

“I love you too, Angel, I always have.”

They kissed again, entirely on autopilot.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, I guess I'm still the GayDemonicDisaster of comedy porn, I thoroughly enjoyed writing this, I hope it's given you a good giggle. If you liked this and haven't already seen some of my other random crack fics, check out "Not on the plants dear, we're British" and "Wet'n'Wild", both in the same collection as this.
> 
> ***ALSO I KNOW THAT'S NOT HOW 'DOCKING' WORKS IN A SEXUAL TENSE*** The terminology just worked for the purposes of this fic even if not anatomically.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] All Hands on Deck (Dick?)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24408220) by [CompassRose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompassRose/pseuds/CompassRose), [elrohir podfic (elrohir)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elrohir/pseuds/elrohir%20podfic), [ExMarks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExMarks/pseuds/ExMarks), [GoLBPodfics (GodOfLaundryBaskets)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodOfLaundryBaskets/pseuds/GoLBPodfics), [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/pseuds/growlery), [Jet_pods (Jetainia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jetainia/pseuds/Jet_pods), [Ohari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohari/pseuds/Ohari), [olive2pod (olive2read)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olive2read/pseuds/olive2pod), [semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/semperfiona/pseuds/semperfiona_podfic), [sPODghetti (RainingPrince)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainingPrince/pseuds/sPODghetti)




End file.
